Blog #2: I teased you yesterday about writing often... here it comes: right out of the pages of my journey, written but unpublished (so far)... The Heart of a Woman - the introduction. I hope you will want more and more, since I am one of those total givers!
Soon after I wrote my manuscript, my cardiologist called and asked me to do an interview with her for Eyewitness news on Channel 7 in New York. It was a piece focusing on women's risks for and frequency of heart attacks and possible preventive measures. For too many years, the "Church of Modern Medicine", in the vernacular of the remarkable Dr. Robert Mendelsohn, has addressed heart problems in studies and in the media with regard to men; yet is a leading killer of women, whose symptoms often are quite different from those of men. We need more information, education, research and discussion to send the signal to the majority (women now comprise 53% of the population). Needless to say, I was flattered and enthusiastic that my rather remarkable doctor chose me from among her many patients, telling me she thought I would be "perfect" for the piece!
I was oddly calm, probably because of having done a fair amount of guest speaking over the years in my own field and likely due to our mutually comfortable relationship.
Expertise comes in so many forms: when I conduct workshops for parents on enhancing discipline and communication skills, invariably I am initially regarded as "the expert". Quick to dispel such an unwieldy notion, I give over that title to the parents, who will always know their children in ways that I could not. After thirty-five years as a psychotherapist specializing in counseling families and couples, and children and adolescents with learning disabilities, I have a profound sense of appreciation of the myriad coping mechanisms necessary just for daily survival. Little did I know that direct experience, literally with my own heart, would increase my wisdom many-fold and bring me to new levels in my own school-for-living.
I was a "school psychologist" type of kid by the age of ten, known for my words of wisdom, doled out to my peers who could not have been any less lost than I. Somehow, though, I had an inborn knack for sensing the needs of others, even without benefit of true wisdom that indeed comes only in combination with experience and perspective. Coupled with a need to express myself to others, it would serve me well in many aspects of my adult life and allow me to touch the lives of many people. It was not surprising when that ten-year-old became a psychotherapist, known as a "hands-on" educator, a no-nonsense person, an encouraging source of information and a guide/mirror, gently but firmly urging people toward improving the quality of their lives.
My role on Eyewitness news was not as therapist, but as patient: I was thrust into this role of "heart patient" after the experience of my own massive, totally unexpected heart attacks. Having to "heal myself" has proven to be a difficult task, requiring the acquisition of even more inner strength and skills than I could have imagined. The roller coaster ride has provided ample opportunity to learn and grow.
The blocked vessel responsible for my attacks is of the type that generally causes immediate death; why, then, did I survive not one, not two, but three such attacks, all in one week? My mother says that it is and was predicated on my role as the center of the Oreo cookie, sandwiched between and loved by her and my daughter, precious sentiment, filled with truth and so typical of my amazingly wise, articulate Mom.
I embarked on writing about this journey because of my true desire to communicate with anyone who might learn from my experiences. Writing has always felt like an unanswered "calling", a way of reaching an audience beyond my inner circle, through which I could share my thoughts, feelings and knowledge. My reactions to the most recent experiences in my life represent the culmination of more than half a century of thinking and learning that have propelled me to utilize my passion for writing to bring compassion, comfort and energy to patients, families and friends of heart patients, especially and most pointedly female patients.
The lessons I have learned, ever unfolding, need to be shared, because that it happened bears at least equal attention to the results of it having happened. I consistently hear that there is not enough attention given to the emotional reactions of heart patients in the aftermath of such utterly terrifying "events" - an irritating term and new pet peeve. An "event" is a planned, enjoyable, memorable evening at the theater or a party, or perhaps a news story warranting attention. A heart attack is an assault, a shock, a disaster, stunning, terrifying and unwanted, not an event. The euphemism is used by insurance companies as well as physicians, as in "No, we will not allow you to continue your cardiac rehabilitation classes, since you have failed to have another 'event' ". If that's “failure”, it would change all definitions of the word!
Oprah Winfrey is a perfect example of a well respected lay person who genuinely and fervently believes that we are all here for a purpose. The realizations and changes, challenges and transformations provoked by the past several years have compelled me to write this book and have given me a sense of purpose and a concrete reason for my survival. Since my aim is not only to survive but to thrive, I hope these writings will serve as a catalyst for everyone out there. Near tragedy can become a starting point propelling us toward honest self-reflection, willing us out of pain, grief, fear or disease. Dr. Phil McGraw teaches us that if your conscious strategy for living needs revision, this is the time to get on with life, leaving demons and denial behind. I would add that the “three C’s – conscience, conscientiousness and consciousness serve us all. (My attempt and desire for this book to assist others will be most glaring in the use of italics!)
Some of the details of the earlier stages of my disease are blurred, not because of the time lapse, but due to the amounts and types of drugs used to quell the pain and sedate me during the most horrifying initial moments and hours. The clarity of my feelings remains permanently etched in my brain: I was not sure that I would survive, and, for just a fleeting moment, not sure that I could work hard enough to achieve survival. The essence of that moment and the inevitable freefall of emotions, most poignantly the depression that followed months later, may be familiar to the many people who have lived through similar experiences. I am fortunate in that I have a small, strong, wonderful support system and the willingness, ability and need to allow them to positively affect me. Some of what I have learned came from new friends/compatriots at the Cardiac Care Center where I attended supervised exercise classes for one hour, three days a week, four more than three years. I will introduce you to several of these people as we go along. They have become important to me and I will forever be in their debt for their contribution to my life. It is unimaginable to me that anyone could ride this storm alone. If this writing helps any of those people, I will forever feel rewarded by having made that kind of contribution to them. I hope that my awakenings will inspire you as you reach toward clarity, courage and the passion to thrive.
Next: more of the same, with a hopeful flair here and there to keep you interested and peak your curiousity. Thanks.......